Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
