I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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