using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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