I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
