Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
