I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
