girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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