Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
