He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
