Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
