do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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