What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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