Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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