I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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