yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
