I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
