Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
