Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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