I want to stick my p in your. b.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
