she woke up with a sticky ear
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
