I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
