i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just want nice things and good sex
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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