I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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