I like my sex mixed with concussions.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
