I will die if light touches me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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