my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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