Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
