I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
