If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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