How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
And then he peed in my hair
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