Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
