I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
