Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
