on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
