If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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