I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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