went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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