Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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