the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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