I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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