Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
