Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
