Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
