just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
