yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
