I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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