I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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