eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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