I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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