I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize