im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
