It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
