if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
