i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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