Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
