i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm too high and old for this...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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