If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
